Two Twenty Five is a lot for Some People

New York City the self -proclaimed "Greatest City in the World." Sure it's expensive but that money pays for non-stop excitement-even at 11:00am on a Saturday morning in the safe neighborhood of 59th Street and Lexington Avenue in Manhattan.

There I was with my metro card (that's a little plastic card you use a debit card to pay subway fare.) in hand ready to swipe it at the turnstile. There I continued to stand in the non-crowded, subway station repeatedly swiping my card. The little swipey machine mocking me over and over as it tells me to "please swipe again at this turnstile." Yes, through all the fare hikes the NYC MTA has levied they have yet to upgrade their magnetic strip reading device. I thought to myself, "Well, I'm lucky a bunch of ambitious in a rush New Yorkers aren't in back of me telling me to 'Fuck myself!'"

I should not have counted my lucky stars so soon. As I'm battling with the turnstile I notice a woman standing in front of me on the other side of the turnstile. Kind of like if one of us was visiting the other in prison. She seems to want to exit the subway platform, but she does not move to one of the many empty turnstiles to my right. "That's weird," I think. Finally, the steel Praetorian Guard of the 4,5,6,Q,N, R trains reads my metro card and lets me pass. However, this lady does not. She mumbles something at me that I could not make out. So I just walk away toward my train. She follows me, repeats her inaudible utterance toward me. What do I do? The only sensible thing. I yell in her face, "WHAT?!" and run. She surprisingly follows me. I stop running.

She gets in my face and yells at me for yelling at her. She starts telling me a sob story and how all she needs is some help. “Don’t you feel guilty now?” she asks. “Um, no.” I reply. As she doesn’t walk away I begin to realize oh this is some sort of attempted mugging. And that’s the thing, being mugged by a woman takes forever. There is so much talking. I learn this woman’s whole life story, she’s a few months pregnant and from South Boston. She was on her way to her one year old's birthday party, (So I guess she’s having Irish twins.) Sadly, now she's lost. Someone took her money and her purse. She wants to know how would I like it If she took my bag and money. I’m like are trying to mug me or are we breaking up. I inform her I have no money, so good luck.

She takes a fighting stance of sorts.

Before we could go fist-a-cuffs, my 6ft tall boyfriend stepped in between us. (Sorry I didn't mention him earlier, but I was very preoccupied with the turnstile. Just know that due to our co-dependent relationship I rarely go anywhere without him.). My assailant changes from excon to doctor Phil and asks my boyfriend Patrick, “What are you doing with her? You could do so much better.” And I was like, “Thank you. I knew my mother was wrong about him, he is a catch. I can’t wait to shove the opinion of a crack head in her face.

This five foot four substance abuser will not be deterred from getting the money she thinks I have. She tries to get at me by going around my boyfriend. So I put up my fists. And she starts criticizing my fighting stance. “What are you doing? You don’t even know how to fight? You got to put your hands up like this." Rocky Marciano proceeds to bring her hands so far up that her elbows are by her chin and her forearms are completely blocking her vision. I saw my moment, not to diffuse the situation, but to prove that it is she who has the stupid fighting stance. I reached around my boyfriend and pushed her hands in her face. “She screams I’m pregnant I’m pregnant. Everyone down here heard me tell you that before. You hit a pregnant woman.” I think she was trying to scare me into believing she was going to sue me?

"Um. You don’t know my name. And well, I think you’d be better off suing your crack dealer. He probably has more assets."

Now, here’s where I screw-up. Instead of running out of the subway station I run down the stairs toward a train. Why? Because I don’t want to have to pay an extra $2.25 to get back into the subway. She chases us down the stairs and onto the train. Patrick again stands between us where she then starts trying to coax me to fight her. “You’re\a such a coward? You’re sucha pussy you have to hide behind your boyfriend?”

"Uh. This is actually the gender appropriate response. I'm a girl, I'm not supposed to have an ego so fragile as I can't walk away from a fight. You can’t emasculate me. I was never born with testes." These thoughts just lead to horrible feelings of guilt on my part. Am I setting the woman’s movement back 30 years by not kicking her ass? Or maybe all that violence is the problem with men. Is that really fair to say that men are violent? Isn't that gender stereo-typing? I mean who is really fighting in American anyway these days? You know with all the obesity. This woman should be proud she can actually lift her hands that far above her shoulders.

As we ride in the complete opposite direction from my home she keeps trying to grab my bag, and I’m like, "Look, lady! I’m not willing to spend an extra 2 dollars to get away from you. What kind of money do you think I have? She’s trying to kick me despite Patrick being in her way. She sticks a hypodermic needle in his face. The train gets above ground at Queens Boro Plaza. I grab my cell phone and call the cops. As I’m on the phone repeating “Queens Boro Plaza” again and again to the 911 operator the drug addict mom runs off the train.

And of course through this whole saga of running, being chased, screaming to onlookers, "She's terrorizing me! She's terrorizing me," and the harassment by one crazy bitch, not one new Yorker did anything. No one even bothers to whip out their cell phones and video tape it. I mean that could have been my big break, a viral You Tube video. I could have been a guest on the Today Show or Letterman. They would have introduced me to America as the girl who wouldn’t spend an extra 2dollars and 25 cents to save her own life.

trophies are only important to parents

A month or so back there was a little league game. This little league game was a blowout. One side was kicking the tiny asses of the other side. At one point an umpire called a kid from the ass kicking team out at first base--supposedly, the kid was safe by a figurative mile. When the umpire was asked (or more likely harassed by parents) about his call he replied, "I was trying to even things out." The parents in the stand for the ass kicking team were completely up in arms. The parents so blinded by their rage, totally overlooked the fact the umpire clearly lied. The umpire just wanted to go home. Umpires get paid by the game not the hour.

Somehow this story made it's way from the little league field to my parents' dinner table. Yes, my parents, who are not grandparents, whose only child is a 30 something woman were discussing this little league. My parents who don't watch professional sports never mind little league games were nearly as livid as those parents. "This is the problem with this country. The kids are coddled. 'They're' killing competition. No one's feelings can get hurt anymore." Is that what this was about? I mean, one team did get to win, and win by a large margin. What about the lesson of compassion and being a good winner?

If those little league parents (or my own parents for that matter) saw a little springer spaniel puppy on the street and she seemed hungry would they just pass the adorable puppy with the sad, droopy eyes. "Suck it puppy. Learn to fend for yourself. It's Darwinism. Only the strong shall survive. You can't find food on your own. You are loser, puppy. " And the springer spaniel comes over to you slowly because it's so hungry and tries to lick your face because it's a springer spaniel it loves everyone. And those parents would respond, "Get away, springer spaniel! I'm trying to hurt your feelings and make you a tough self-reliant citizen. I want you to be cut throat. When you see a pregnant dog on the subway don't give up your seat. That fat bitch should have moved faster or worked harder so she could afford a cab."

I wonder if these heartless parents realize how unimportant sports is in the lives of children. I played soccer, softball, and basketball as a kid before I ever entered high school. I might remember three coaches I had in that time. The remember snippets of a handful of games, though not the outcome of a single one. What I do remember from childhood is trying to convince one of the girls who lived on my block that the baby powder that I had put in a small container was cocaine. Yes, at 10 years of age me and a couple of other kids wanted to trick our other neighbor we were doing coke. Sadly, for us she never believed us. That was the same girl we tried getting to jump out of the second floor window she used to lean out of to talk to us. She almost did, but because we had compassion and really didn't understand the principles of "survival of the fittest" we said, "No. No. No! We were just kidding."

In the end I really just think the umpire wanted to go home. Stop picking on puppies and less than smart neighborhood kids.

Some Advice for Overseas

If you haven't heard the country of Greece has a debt crisis. So Greece in an effort to pay back their loans is trying to cut spending. I say to Greece, "Why?" Be like the million of Americans and just default. What's the worst that could happen? Will Greece's wages be garnished? Of course not no one works to have wages to be garnished. You can't put a whole country in debtors prison. Are some bond holders going to reposses your car? No, they didn't lend you money to buy a car. Greece, just go on as if nothing happened. And don't answer the phone when you get a call from a number you don't recogonize or a "restricted number" don't answer. It's been working for college students for generations why not for one of the oldest civilizations in the world?

The Wrong Strategy

Congratulations to Japan's women's soccer team. Sure the Japanese women played a good game, but really the American ladies gave the game away. The never instituted the Puppy Offense. Yes, the Puppy Offence, a well know though seldom used formation that can be very effective against the right opponent. Germany of course would not be the right opponent. However, Japan has that particular weakness that is vulnerable to the Puppy Offense. The Japanese are obsessed with all things cute. So if the Americans had armed their bench players with adorable, little, cuddley, puppies and then at the precise moment bumrushed the sidelines waving the puppies over their heads, well the Japanese women would have had no choice but to gawfaw over the puppies. Distracted by cuteness the Americans would have scored easily, several times perhaps.

To protect your own team from the use of the Puppy Offense you make sure the team spends at least a week caring for the puppies. The Americans have to walk the dogs 4 times a day, feed them, play with them, nurture them and sometimes clean up their doggy mess by the time the game rolled around the Americans would have been "so over" those little shit machines and therefore immune to their cuteness.

When playing the Germans you just have to say, (in German of course) "Ooo. Look. The French!" And watch the ladies run off the field to invade.

Let's Keep it Right Here

So, last week we discussed the (OK, fine I had the discussion with 3 people in the internet ether.) attitudes of the people over 55. Today we stay on this topic.

Not only do people, of advanced ages, think the world is going to hell, they also think today's youth is soft. The examples frequently cited are how they all get trophies without regard to actual performance, bullying is now against the law, the kids are all medicated, etc etc. I wonder if their grandparents had the same complaints. "Look at these kids today, they live in apartment building with either hardwood floors or carpets. In my day we had to fight the Cherokee for our land, then kill a bunch of buffalo for food, clothes and use their bones to make a home. We slept on dirt floors next to all types of vermin. These little pansies go to go school all day. How does easy living in a school prepare someone for citizenship? You got to either till the land from dawn to dusk or lose half your digits in a factory, that's the way to build character. Do you see how now they got this thing air conditioning? Death by heat just thins out the heard, kills off the weak. Now we’re going to have all these lesser people walking around sucking up resources the rest of us could be using. I'll tell you, these children born past 1938 are soft. I pray for the future of this country."

I'm just saying, suffering doesn't make you a better person it just makes you suffer.

The Inverse Age Hypothesis: Caring

Why is it the older a person is the more the seem to care that the world is going to shit? The older you are the less years you have left on the planet. What do you care about what happens to the world? You'll be dead in few years anyway. Older Americans like to say things similar to, "Ahh. no one speaks English anymore." I respond, "So? In 6 months your dementia will be full blown. You won't be able to understand any language."

Meanwhile, people in their early 20s don't seem to bothered by the direction their world is taking despite having 6 more decades to live through.* You tell them about nuclear waste leaking from corroding pipes into the bay and they respond, "Bummer. You know what? Fast and Furious 6 is coming out next week. I'm so excited.


*exception to this rule is when they are being drafted into a war.

It's Been Awhile. It's Time to Contribute More Chatter Into the Void

The politicians from NY State are at it again, more digital sending of what are supposed to be sexy pictures to random strangers found on the internet. I am not concerned about taking time out of my day to write on this subject because I'm sure Anthony Wiener will not be the last politician to "sext" so any funny I come up with I'll be able to use again down the line.

I'm so sure this isn't the last we'll see of this stupidity because the technology will continue to exist. Politicians could never do this kind of thing in the past. Think about how time consuming it would be to send a revealing picture of yourself in the 1800s. First, you'd have to hire a sketch artist, preferably some who works with charcoal. Next, you have to find time in your day to pose for the artist and god forbid the temperature in the room changes you'll have to start all over again. After you get your drawing done you have to send your assistant down to the pony express office and mail your drawing. The drawing would be addressed to "First 19 year old girl you see in the main square, Wichita, Kansas." If you want to send more than one you have to do the whole thing over again it could take months.

Even the sexually free Ancient Greeks couldn't really do this. A Greek senator would have go up to random women and ask them back to a cave to see some shadow puppets.

I Get It!

So for years I've been very against these wars in the Middle East. It's clear they are for oil. I don't care about oil. I have a bike, I have two working feet. Granted without oil I couldn't travel internationally or across the country, but I have Netflix and 8 seasons of Monk I can stream for years and year of enrichment and enjoyment. We have plenty of coal and natural gas right here in the USA to keep my computer and wireless router running for as long as need to stream Netflix videos.

That was my mind set. I thought only evil sociopaths like Dick Cheney were for oil wars. I couldn't sympathize with these war hawks. But then everything went nuts in the Ivory Coast. The chocolate supply chain has been ruptured. Chocolate prices will soon reach record heights. Why did it take the UN so long to go in and stabilize the region. People were suffering. A man refused to acknowledge he lost re-election. And I need my chocolate at affordable prices.

I figure if we can spend billions of dollars to keep oil prices down why can't we spend billions to free chocolate producing countries from tyranny as well? Women everywhere will be grateful.