Monday, November 17, 2014

The Audition


A big opportunity--An internet show. Of course I audition.

I awake at reasonable hour and shower. Now if my co-workers from my computer moving job learned of this, I'm sure their feelings would be hurt, I never shower before I go work with them. Not only do I shower, I attempt to apply make-up to my own face. And boy does that tinted moisturizer and mascara make a difference, I'm like an angel.

I arrive at the designated audition area all dolled up. I meet a producer upon stepping off the elevator.    She looks at me quizzically and asks, "This is for a sports show?"
"Yes." I respond bewildered.  She then looks me up and down in that way that only straight women and gay men can look a woman up and down-- with cruel judgment in their eyes-- and she says, "No, but like you should be really passionate about sports."
"Uh yeah." I respond.
"OK," she utters with disbelief in her voice.

At this point I'm completely flummoxed.  Why wouldn't she believe me?  I'm wearing a Mark Bavaro jersey.   I'd think wearing the jersey of the best tight end in Giants history might scream, "I love sports. Passionately!" So I delicately say, "You seem not to believe me. I mean I'm wearing a Bavaro Jersey."
"Hmm, yeah, but you could just be anti-abortion."
"No. Sure he might be an anti-choice, Catholic zealot, but he's a great player. If it was merely displaying an anti-choice stance I'd just wear a Tim Tebow jersey.  That guy plays football like he'd rather be in the school musical but his dad won't let him."
"Whatever, you're number 45."


And here is the video my husband, an evil Jets fan, found on the internet several years ago. He threw it in my face, like an Eli Manning interception, to break my big blue heart. 



Thursday, November 13, 2014

How Things Came to be: Gendered Division of Labor

 

   In many parts of the world women make less money than men either for the same job, or because they can't get the good paying, really evil jobs due to gender discrimination. Meanwhile, men are ridiculed if they wear skirts or dresses despite the fact that their genitalia would probably be so much more happy swinging free and easy in a flowing dress instead of scrunched up in jeans or suit pants. Why do you think Buddhist monks seem so at peace? It's the robes. 

     How did we get here?

     It all started with a guy named Donnie[1].  He was a big, strong, young man. People in his clan thought that he was a douche[2].  The women wanted nothing to do with him sexually. It's unclear why they found him so repulsive  by all accounts he was very strong and tall, relative to surrounding people. Socio-biologist [3]would hypothesize that all the women would be pulling each other's hair out just to get some of Donnie's genetic material. This clearly wasn't the case. Some historians believe  one of the reasons no one wanted to sleep with Donnie was because he was horribly self involved. He never asked women any questions about themselves. He would just drone on and on about how many logs he could carry at once. (Side note: historians also think Donnie might have had a hand in the deforestation of Mesopotamia.) He was also rumored to have kicked kids and kittens--not cool Donnie.
            So no one would sleep with Donnie and Donnie had needs. So Donnie came up with a plan. He proposed that women be forbidden to hunt, or farm or do anything but raise babies and clean plates. The only way women would have access to food is if she got a man to give her some. Men thought this was a horrible idea.
"Donnie, you mean then we have to do all the work all year long? No way."
"They slow us down. They can't carry as many logs as me."
"No one can carry as many logs as you, Donnie." Cried the clan.
"Women also get pregnant and then don't work for a couple of months before and after the baby and we all do just fine."
"But that's only one or two women at a time not all the women. It's like when someone gets sick we pick up the slack for one person for a week or so. We don't all get sick on the same day."[4]
Donnie left the meeting dejected. A few months later Gary[5] fell in love with Gertrude. Gary was handsome and smart and lots of women were interested in him, but of course Gary only wanted the lady who didn't want him. It's too bad these early settled people didn't live longer they might have out grown some of this psychology. As he was sulking under a fig tree he remembered Donnie's hare-brained plan and figured with a different spin he could sell it the clan and force Gertrude to love him.
"We have a problem here in our clan.. Our children are not getting the proper education they need because too many of us our busy with our farming tasks, I give you Donnie as proof of how far our community as deteriorated. "
"That's true he is kind of log[6] head."
"So let's divide up the word so we can make sure it all gets done. One idea, we could say is that the women stay home and make sure our children don't become log heads."
One woman piped up and said, "But I'm on the verge of breeding edible almonds. This is going to be awesome for us a great source of protein, easily stored, easy to carry on raiding missions."
Gary responded, "Exactly, That's the kind of person who needs to be spending time with our kids making them smart."  He was a slick one that Gary.
One of the men quipped, "But then we have to do all the work,  but the teaching. This sounds like Donnie's plan from last year."
Gary had an answer, "Not quite. You wouldn't be required to get up in the middle of the night when the baby is crying that would just be the women who are in charge of the kids."
"Wait. WHAT!" the women screamed.
"Hold on let the man speak," the men retorted because when you have to wake up at dawn to farm every day no one wants to have to go tend to a crying baby in the middle of the night.
Then Gary stated the pink elephant in the room. "You know we are stronger than you. "
The women could have revolted by killing the men in their sleep and restoring the balance of power in their community, but sadly those women had trouble staying up past when the men went to bed due to the interruption of their sleep cycle by the crying newborns they were forced to attend to by themselves. Of course Donnie and Gary never foresaw that men would have to mine coal one day while the women remained black lung free trapped in their homes.



[1] Donnie  it's what his name translates to from ancient Babylonian.
[2] They didn't actually call him a douche because that product didn't exist 10,000 years ago. They called him something that loosely translates to "hole away from water supply where we rid our bodies of waste." Which is what we now in the US call a toilet. We don't call people toilets today in the western world to insult them so I'm just going to go with douche. 
[3] Socio-biologist the modern day astrologist, so much math so little facts.
[4] Of course that last sentiment isn't always true sometimes they do all get sick at the same time, it's called a plague and it usually wipes a society.
[5] Again translated from Babylonian.
[6][6] Later this would turn into lug head.


   In many parts of the world women make less money than men either for the same job, or because they can't get the good paying, really evil jobs due to gender discrimination. Meanwhile, men are ridiculed if they wear skirts or dresses despite the fact that their genitalia would probably be so much more happy swinging free and easy in a flowing dress instead of scrunched up in jeans or suit pants. Why do you think Buddhist monks seem so at peace? It's the robes. 

     How did we get here?

     It all started with a guy named Donnie[1].  He was a big, strong, young man. People in his clan thought that he was a douche[2].  The women wanted nothing to do with him sexually. It's unclear why they found him so repulsive  by all accounts he was very strong and tall, relative to surrounding people. Socio-biologist [3]would hypothesize that all the women would be pulling each other's hair out just to get some of Donnie's genetic material. This clearly wasn't the case. Some historians believe  one of the reasons no one wanted to sleep with Donnie was because he was horribly self involved. He never asked women any questions about themselves. He would just drone on and on about how many logs he could carry at once. (Side note: historians also think Donnie might have had a hand in the deforestation of Mesopotamia.) He was also rumored to have kicked kids and kittens--not cool Donnie.
            So no one would sleep with Donnie and Donnie had needs. So Donnie came up with a plan. He proposed that women be forbidden to hunt, or farm or do anything but raise babies and clean plates. The only way women would have access to food is if she got a man to give her some. Men thought this was a horrible idea.
"Donnie, you mean then we have to do all the work all year long? No way."
"They slow us down. They can't carry as many logs as me."
"No one can carry as many logs as you, Donnie." Cried the clan.
"Women also get pregnant and then don't work for a couple of months before and after the baby and we all do just fine."
"But that's only one or two women at a time not all the women. It's like when someone gets sick we pick up the slack for one person for a week or so. We don't all get sick on the same day."[4]
Donnie left the meeting dejected. A few months later Gary[5] fell in love with Gertrude. Gary was handsome and smart and lots of women were interested in him, but of course Gary only wanted the lady who didn't want him. It's too bad these early settled people didn't live longer they might have out grown some of this psychology. As he was sulking under a fig tree he remembered Donnie's hare-brained plan and figured with a different spin he could sell it the clan and force Gertrude to love him.
"We have a problem here in our clan.. Our children are not getting the proper education they need because too many of us our busy with our farming tasks, I give you Donnie as proof of how far our community as deteriorated. "
"That's true he is kind of log[6] head."
"So let's divide up the word so we can make sure it all gets done. One idea, we could say is that the women stay home and make sure our children don't become log heads."
One woman piped up and said, "But I'm on the verge of breeding edible almonds. This is going to be awesome for us a great source of protein, easily stored, easy to carry on raiding missions."
Gary responded, "Exactly, That's the kind of person who needs to be spending time with our kids making them smart."  He was a slick one that Gary.
One of the men quipped, "But then we have to do all the work,  but the teaching. This sounds like Donnie's plan from last year."
Gary had an answer, "Not quite. You wouldn't be required to get up in the middle of the night when the baby is crying that would just be the women who are in charge of the kids."
"Wait. WHAT!" the women screamed.
"Hold on let the man speak," the men retorted because when you have to wake up at dawn to farm every day no one wants to have to go tend to a crying baby in the middle of the night.
Then Gary stated the pink elephant in the room. "You know we are stronger than you. "
The women could have revolted by killing the men in their sleep and restoring the balance of power in their community, but sadly those women had trouble staying up past when the men went to bed due to the interruption of their sleep cycle by the crying newborns they were forced to attend to by themselves. Of course Donnie and Gary never foresaw that men would have to mine coal one day while the women remained black lung free trapped in their homes.



[1] Donnie  it's what his name translates to from ancient Babylonian.
[2] They didn't actually call him a douche because that product didn't exist 10,000 years ago. They called him something that loosely translates to "hole away from water supply where we rid our bodies of waste." Which is what we now in the US call a toilet. We don't call people toilets today in the western world to insult them so I'm just going to go with douche. 
[3] Socio-biologist the modern day astrologist, so much math so little facts.
[4] Of course that last sentiment isn't always true sometimes they do all get sick at the same time, it's called a plague and it usually wipes a society.
[5] Again translated from Babylonian.
[6][6] Later this would turn into lug head.



Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Wedding Planning Advice



Every Woman's Dream

            He finally proposed! Huzzah! Quickly guzzle that celebratory champagne in your hand because you have a lot of work to do.  If this is your first wedding there is something you need to know. Planning a wedding is a complete time suck.  It's a lot of running around, meeting vendors, and arguing with your mother. But it doesn't have to be merely, joyless stress.  Don't forget this is your special day you're planning and it's the perfect time to get your revenge on those loved ones who have disappointed or hurt you in the past.  To help the first time bride I've provided a revenge jumping off point. Here are 6 basic areas you can fit some vengeance in your wedding planning.

            1. The Attire

            Traditionally this is where the bride makes her best friends dress in hideous bridesmaids gowns. And if you love tradition and these bitches have got it coming, go for it.  If you're looking for a little less traditional revenge because you're not an old fashion gal try shaking it up a little by using your own outfit to stick it to people.  
           
            Do you have an awesome body?  Then flaunt it.  Get a dress that will make the female guests at your wedding hate you.  Get a gown that really accentuates all you've got in the T&A department. 
           
            Or go after you mother or other conservative traditional relatives.  You know the ones who are still living in the 1950s with their gender normative ideas about women and style. The same people who have never read the words "Gender Normative. "  The best part about this option is that it's cheap. Walk down the aisle in ripped baggy-blue jeans, a loose-fitting t-shirt adorned with the Tasmanian Devil (or Marvin the Martian whomever you're into--it's your special day) finish the look off with some high top Chuck Taylors.  Then make sure the photographer gets close-ups shots of your mother's tears streaming down her face as pools of mascara collect on her cheek bones.  An added bonus to this look is that you save time by not having to try on countless wedding dresses.

            Don't worry girly girls who don't have the body to cause other women to develop an eating disorder I haven't forgot about you.  Find a fabulous dress and then write on the invitation it's a jeans optional, causal wedding. Make sure  to have the wedding in a cold month so none of your guests can wear skimpy tank-tops and short shorts. Keep them in bulky sweaters and long underwear. Again winter weddings can save you money which you're going to need because you're going all out on the dress. 

            Additional outfit ideas:  Meat dress, naked, Victorian Era dress,  Bikini, kilt, star wars regalia. The choices are limitless. Once you hone in on who you really want to piss off you should have no problem finding the outfit that is just right.

           
            2.  The Music

            I have to admit ever since I was a little girl I've been dreaming of my wedding day for one reason, I'd get to pick the music. And the music would exclude all songs made popular during the adolescence of the Baby Boom generation.  That generation needs to be taken down a notch. They think they are so great just because there are so many of them. For my part in the fight against those porn somewhere between 1945-1965 is to not allow 100 people in some catering hall to listen to the oldies for 5 hours.
           
            But that's me, let's get back to you because it's your special day (Yes, I keep mentioning that. You're going to hear it a lot I'm helping you get used to it.).    Are you a hipster or audiophile with other audiophile friends? What better way to get back at them than to play the most obscure music that they can't claim to have ever heard before.   Caveat, no one may dance at this wedding.  This is definitely the route for a hands on bride, one who is good at DIY projects and who have plenty time to spend.  You either A) have to assemble your own band of no-names to ensure no one else has ever heard of them. Then this group either plays the wedding, or you make a recording of all their original tunes and your dj plays these songs at the wedding.  Hey, no one said revenge was cheap and easy (that's a Craigslist hooker), just like at the gym if you want to see results you have to put the effort in.  It really could be worth it if your audiophile pals are truly obnoxious about music.     

            If your single friends just love bragging about how awesome it is to not be tied-down, or for some reason you have it out for your lonely single friends and relatives, play nothing but swing dance tunes (Actually, any music that requires a dance partner here will work). Let's see if those one-night stand champions were lucky enough to find a swing dance aficionado for a date.  Especially, considering swing dance's last revival  ended in 1999 -- nearly a generation ago.

            More music options:  no music at all-- make everyone talk to each other, death metal/gangsta rap, a high school marching band (I bet they're a real bargain).

             
            3.  Seating Chart
           
             I once attended a wedding where the groom arranged the tables to maximize as much contention as possible. For an argumentative contrarian such as myself I found this wedding to be a fun one,  but I'm sure he really got back at some people that night.

            A good avenue is to divide and conquer. It worked for the Romans.   Here's a sample seating chart to help illustrate the point
           
            Of course when in doubt you can always just sit people with their parents.  No one wants to spend a party with their parents or their kids.  

            4. The Menu

            There are tons of things to do with a menu. It really depends on how far you're willing to take your revenge.  You literally could kill someone, and if that person needs to die,  what better time for him/her to meet his/her maker than on your special day.   For me there is too much collateral damage to get my revenge this route. For example an revengee could ruin the bathroom and then the revenge is on you.   
           
            But here are some options if you really looking for answers in this area.  Trick a vegan into eating honey or chicken stock etc.  Make sure every menu item consists of some sort of dairy product so the lactose intolerant can't escape.  Make it a cash bar, or even worse provide no liquor at all.  You could really make people sad with any of the following:  Kosher menu, Vegan menu, or Pot luck--make them do the work.

           
            5. The Ceremony

            The ceremony you can go the traditional route. You and your partner to be can go on and on and on and on and on about your love. Its perfectness. Its divinity.  Its once in a millenia-ness.  The point of course is to make your wedding guests feel insecure about their own relationships. To make the wedding guests jealous that their marriages are just run of the mill and not storybook like yours. It is not very creative, but it works. A tried and true revenge method that will have many on the guest list nauseated.

            But why phone it in? The ceremony can be so much fun and where you can really let your revenge creativity fly.

            Are you an anarchist who hates the government? Turn the wedding into an elaborate commitment ceremony.  You know the old saying? "I don't need a piece of paper to know I'm committed to you."  You don't file taxes anyway, so it's not like you need this thing government sanctioned in order file jointly. Or go bolder. Hold your wedding on the Washington Mall without a permit.  Have the government pay for your honey moon accommodations by spending the night free of charge in their jail.
           
            Instead maybe you're a law-abiding conservative related to a bunch of free-wheeling hippies. If so it's clear you're getting married in a church.  The Catholic Church is good, so is an Evangelical Church, though I'd stay away from the Pentecostals the fact that they bring snakes into their worship could backfire because the hippies could see the presence of the snakes as communing with nature.
           
            Then again you might have a grudge with the clergy themselves.  If that's the case you can go two routes. The first is simple.  Just leave religion out of it.  Have a civil service.  City Hall marriages are usually cheaper than church weddings anyway. The problem with this first option is the clergy who wronged you don't get to know how angry you are at them. Heck, they might not even know you're getting married.

            If you need to stick it in the clergy's face try this second option.  Here's how it could play out.  You and your future spouse get married down at City Hall before the wedding. This is to ensure you get married, just in case the clergyperson flees in the middle of the ceremony.  On the day of the ceremony as the groom stands at the altar (or whomever is standing at the alter- this is your special day) send in the fire jugglers and unicycle riders.   At this point you get the Polyphonic Spree (or a cheap imitation of the group) to surround the guests in their pews. Once surrounded have the Polyphonic Spree start exalting Juno the Roman god of marriage, in song or chant or however you want. (Well, you know why.)

            Next,  you walk down the aisle.  And just when it seems like all the craziness has subsided an actor who looks like a young Dustin Hoffman should barge into the ceremony and scream, "Elaine! Elaine" and he looks around realizes something is amiss and then sheepishly says, "Oops, sorry wrong wedding."  

            Or save yourself time and just have a Satanist wedding. That's sure to piss everyone off.
           
            6. The Wedding Party

            You can't say you were never the bride because look at you, you're planning your special day. But what is more hurtful then not ever being a bride? Never being asked to be a bridesmaid.  Yeah, I hear that, man. So fuck'em. have no bridal party. 

            Or instead,  have a huge wedding party. Constantly tell each one of your bridesmaid how close you feel to them. Sit each one down and have a heart to heart.  Let he/she know he/she feels like a sister to you. Express how you don't know if you would have survived life up until this point if he/she were not in your life.  Lay it on thick and then watch them squirm and awkwardly smile back at you.   Bonus,  they all have to buy the ugly bridesmaid dress. It's fantastic.
           
            Another option is to hire actors to pretend to be your wedding party. Come up with a fabulous back story. For example, you guys met years ago in Patagonia. Now every year you meet up and travel the world searching for extreme adventures and beach front resorts. . How out of the loop the guests will feel having no idea who these people are, or that you did this with your life, or that you had the money to do this with your life. 

I hope the list was helpful in at least getting you started. And remember there are no hard and fast rules, you're the bride you can take revenge in anyway you see fit.  It is of course your special day.